Early in my musical career, I sang in a bluegrass band and a rock band down south. Being a Yankee atheist in the Bible Belt made me a curiosity to my peers. I often found myself taking part in religious debates during late-night sessions at the bar. Many tried to change my mind, but I was absolutely sure there is no such thing as God.
A born-again Christian named Sam came to my shows and bought me drinks, eager to talk me into being "saved". One night he offered me $100 to go out for coffee and listen about Jesus. I said yes: easy money! His words that night mostly went in one ear and out the other. But when I got home, I did kneel and pray, to see what it was like. I invited Jesus into the car crash of emotions that was my life. I sensed a presence, but then felt silly so I stopped.
Perhaps this is when Jesus set the wheels in motion: within weeks I found myself spending a night in jail, divorced at 25, flat broke and in poor health. My life falling apart led me to go back home to my parents and get my head straight again.
Decades later I was a happily married mom singing in the Christmas-rock show Wizards of Winter (and still not a believer). By the time of my fifth tour with WOW, being on the road was getting difficult as a parent. But I loved the show, the music, partying with my bandmates, signing autographs and seeing new places. It was a dream gig!
You've probably heard the expression "Jesus, take the wheel". Well, in 2017 he gave me a firm shove to the passenger seat and brought my party bus to a halt.
I began having dreams that came true within days, and eerie coincidences that went beyond mere chance (believers call these God winks). Many experiences I would describe as, callings:
Day 1: ring ring. "It's God. I'm real. There's something I want you to do."
Day 2: ring ring. "Hey you. Yes, YOU. This is not going away. It's time."
Day 3: ring ring. "Did you dream of a great blue heron? I just had him land on your roof. Go and see. Do you believe in me now?"
Day 3 really happened. I'd lived in my house for 11 years and never seen a great blue heron nearby. This one sat on my roof and looked right into my eyes when I went out to see. It was one of many astonishing events that left me with a choice: a) admit God is calling me, or b) check into a mental institution.
I did consider option B. Maybe my brain was on the fritz? Was it a mid-life crisis? Hallucinations? But no, too many experiences were being verified by outside sources. Something supernatural was at work.
I thought back to 2005, when I had briefly started to believe in God. My mom, dad, and two grandmothers all died while I was pregnant with my first child. Some unexplainable occurrences during that experience made me realize there is an afterlife. For example:
Dad died in January 2005 and by April, Mom was in hospice. I was waiting by the phone for the news that she'd passed. I was 7 months pregnant by then and after the 3 recent deaths (my dad and grandmothers), I couldn't keep vigil by her deathbed for the baby's sake. Suddenly I felt Dad's presence, as if he were standing next to me. He said, "You'll know I'm with Mom when she crosses over, because the number 9 will be involved."
I thought, perhaps the call will come at 9:00. The call came at 5:40am (5+4=9). When the death certificate arrived, the coroner had recorded the time of death as 6:30am (6+3=9). Dad had a PhD from MIT... it was just like him to make me do the math.
After similar experiences during my parents' deaths and my child's birth, I knew there is an afterlife, and there must be a God. But I still thought Jesus was a myth, and frankly I didn't care to know this God who'd just taken my family. I came close to losing the baby too. If there was a God, I didn't like him. Eventually, 2005 faded to memory and I forgot about him.
Back to the story at hand: in 2017 Jesus had taken the wheel and turned my party bus around, much to my chagrin. The dreams and a feeling of being "called" continued. I was experiencing a spiritual awakening.
With mixed emotions, I announced that my sixth tour with the band would be my last. Although the reason I gave publicly was true (my family needed mom at home), when my friends asked me "Why would you leave such an awesome gig?" I answered:
"God is calling me to use my voice for praise music."
Judging by their reactions, I may as well have said, "Lord Zod summons me home to Krypton."
Ever see the movie Evan Almighty? That's what it was like.
I made some missteps as I tried to understand what to do next. I hadn't yet embraced a concept I now live by: Don't try to figure out God's plan. Let yourself be driven to your destination. I learned to recognize the trail of breadcrumbs he leaves to show the way. You must take the action of picking up a bread crumb and digesting it before he'll drop the next one.
I had music students whom I taught during the Wizards off-season, and a trail of breadcrumbs led me to book their recital at a church. As the church's sound tech helped me set up, he mentioned they were looking for a Director of Music. The Pastor came in to discuss candidates for the position with him. I shamelessly eavesdropped while pretending to wrap cables and sensed this was my next breadcrumb.
My brain warned, No! You are not qualified! When have you set foot in a church? Easters with Grandma? The time you wanted to date the hot Catholic dude? You can't do this!
When God calls you, he is speaking to your Spirit, which is ruled by the heart. The brain will usually try to talk you out of it.
I auditioned for the job and was hired. It wasn't easy, but I understood now what it meant to be driven. I studied hymns and sheet music, which isn't used much in rock/pop; we mostly play by ear. Working in this genre brought me back to my roots in classical piano and school choir. I was growing musically. My family was happier with my career choice. I began to see why God led me here.
During services I learned more about Jesus and the role he'd played in my journey. The pastor used terms like "transformed by grace" that described what had happened to me. Turns out it's a thing, and Christians are accustomed to people like me showing up.
Jesus didn't stop saying things like, "Hey you fishermen, throw down your nets and follow me" 2,000 years ago. He still does it every day, all over the world. Personally, I don't believe he is the only way to experience God, but Jesus is a very strong, clear way, available to all.
A relationship with Jesus is like hitting the speed dial for a direct line to divine presence. Not everyone needs the speed dial; they have their own way of connecting with God, and I respect that. I believe Jesus comes to people like me, who can't find their phone or don't know the number, or stubbornly refuse to dial.
When I sang in church, I felt the Spirit moving through me. When Covid hit, I was grateful for employment while most musicians were suffering. I wrote songs. I got baptized. I grew more peaceful, more positive. Many personal miracles took place as I surrendered my life to God, and I saw the world through a beautiful, magical new lens.
There isn't anything wrong with who I was before, or the music I was playing. I'm still me, I still love to rock out... I don't go around quoting the Bible and flailing myself with palms. But something fundamental has shifted. There isn't much ego-stroking or applause when singing in church. Rather than singing to entertain, I hope to inspire and call attention to what God is capable of. Things like what he did for me, when he first took the wheel and told me to move over. If it happens to you, I suggest you let him drive you to your destiny. Not the one you thought you wanted; the one he knows is right for you.
These days I'm happy to talk about transforming from atheist to believer with anyone who's interested. I spent Sam's $100, and I guess 20 years later it's finally time to pay it forward.
Wishing you sound spirit, sound mind, sound body.
Mary
Note to reader: I use the pronoun "he" because it is convenient, but I do not feel God is any gender. God is infinite and cannot be limited by human constructs. Thank you for reading.
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